Self-Promotion
The Male Credentialling Professional Mating Dance
- by Holly Burton
I want to tell you about a phone call I had this morning that was HI-LAR-I-OUS.
The call was with two other leaders in the diversity & inclusion space, both men. We were discussing an upcoming speaking engagement that would feature all three of us with the event organizer to find the right mix of topics so that we'd all present varied, but coherent viewpoints on the topic.
Blah blah blah, boring, Holly.
You said this was hilarious. When does the laughing start?
Soon, I promise!
Let's Get to the Good Stuff
So I was sitting in this call, listening to these dudes talk and I had an experience that I think will be familiar to all of you. As the boys were talking, they spent a TON of time credentialing themselves -- basically verbally flexing and preening to show off how much they know. I found myself rolling my eyes and killing myself laughing.
As the guys prattled on, subtly (or not subtly) dropping hints about how many books they've read, the name of this phenomenon and that one, and name-dropping various thought leaders and other community organizers, I realized that I've been here before in LITERALLY EVERY MEETING I'VE EVER HAD WITH A DUDE. Right?
How many of us have sat in conference rooms, at white boards, or across map tables exchanging silent ugh, this again? glances with other women as men do this funny workplace mating dance with each other? I don't know about you, but I experience this constantly in my working life.
And here I was today, experiencing it again -- but this time with two dudes whose business it literally is to notice gender & power dynamics. Too hilarious!
WIMDIs, the devil works hard, but the Patriarchy works harder.
The Dance That Never Ends
This is an old pattern. I've seen it a million times. The guys do it because it works, right? Why do you think everyone who goes to Harvard spends so much time telling you how they went to Harvard? Because when people are impressed, they're more likely to consult you, trust you, and ultimately pay you boatloads of cash.
But I kind of hate the game. It always comes across a little bit fake, and honestly makes me want to pat them on the head and bust out some giant Novelty prize ribbons that say, "1st Prize - Smartest, Most Prestigious Person". Like damn boys, your insecurity is showing. And you can keep that prize ribbon, thanks. Like Taylor Swift says, "You play stupid games, you win stupid prizes." So I'm not playing!
What I did in the meeting was, well, pretty different from the Male Credentialling Professional Mating Dance (TM).
I didn't spend much time talking about who I know, or the books I've read, or the University that did the study I'm citing. I just gave my professional opinion and dropped some good old fashioned knowledge bombs. I recognized the game that was afoot, decided I wasn't interested in playing, and leaned into my difference and created credibility my own way.
So Why Does this Bizarro Dance Matter?
I'm rambling on about all of this for a few reasons:
1) I Want You to Be Able to See This Pattern
If you didn't know about The Male Credentialling Professional Mating Dance (TM) (or the MCPMD for short), well, you know now. Let me know when you see it out in the wild!
2) I Want You to Not Feel Bad When Men Are Doing This
This pattern is designed to play with power. It's designed to elevate the person doing the MCPMD above everyone else in the meeting. It's meant to lure you into the pissing contest.
And the people doing it aren't doing it because of you. It's about them, right? So recognize it for what it is -- men trying to establish their pecking order -- and know that the game is really not about you or how good you are.
3) I Want You to See What it Can Look Like to Play Your Own Credibility Game
Look, sometimes it make sense to do the MCPMD. Other times, it can be an amazing gift to lean into your gifts and let other people discover what makes you amazing without pointing it out (aggressively, with citations!). Don't be afraid to make up your own rules to the game.
Got it? Good!
