Leadership
How to Give Better Feedback Using Feminist Principles
- by Holly Burton
"Feedback is a gift!"
I used to have a colleague who used to repeat this over and over to himself anytime he got feedback, like some kind of Frank Constanza "SERENTY NOW!"-style self-soothing meditation. Half sarcastic joke, it was meant to remind himself that tough feedback was meant to be helpful. So he'd walk around our little office cubicles chanting/comically shouting "Feedback is a gift!" over and over, but he never seemed fully convinced.
Friends, neither was I.
In my world, feedback was supposed to be something useful that I welcomed and loved, but it basically sucked for me.
Feedback is Often Terrible for Women
I don't know about you, but I've been on the receiving end of some truly inartfully delivered feedback over the course of my career. And when I think back, lots of feedback I've experienced has suffered from gender bias that's all too familiar to many of us.
Society holds some unique views about women and feedback:
Anyone Can Give Us Feedback at Any Time
Even perfect strangers feel they have a license to critique women for their choices, conduct, heck, even our bodies. Ever been on the receiving end of a suggestion to "Smile!" from someone you barely know? You've witnessed this in action. What's crucial here is that our interest in the feedback is irrelevant. Like it is in so many other situations, our consent is deemed unimportant.
It's Their Job to Fix Us (PS: We're Broken)
These very very (very) helpful people, are really just looking out for our best interest, which is why they go the extra mile and explain, not just what we did wrong, but what's wrong with us. This feedback isn't about our actions, but about our personalities. The problem isn't that we made poor word choices when delivering the bad news to our team, it's that we're callous, uncaring, and insensitive.
These two societal constructs can be exhausting. You can very quickly end up on the receiving end of an unsolicited psychiatric evaluation by people whose opinion you don't even care about. Ugh.
So let's make sure you never do this to your employees!
Giving Feedback Using Feminist Principles
Instead of doing all of that, let's approach this like the good feminists we are. I'm going to give you two simple rules that will make sure you never leave an employee feeling like you just gave them an unsolicited psych evaluation.
Here we go:
#1 - Get Consent
Feminism teaches us that consent is essential. Conversations around consent & feminism historically centred around sexual activity, but modern feminism recognizes that informed consent is a central tenant to treating people with equity.
When it comes to feedback, Rule #1 is that you can only give feedback once you have the other person's consent. You can only offer feedback to people if they've asked for it OR if you've asked if you can give it (and then gotten a yes).
This is pretty simple in practice: "Hey, I have some feedback about your last presentation. Would you like to hear it?"
The most important thing to remember is that no and not right now are both totally acceptable responses to this question. The great thing about consent is that it actually gives the other person a real choice. If it doesn't, it's just coercion in disguise.
#2 - Value Lived Experience (& No Diagnosing Allowed)
Feminism, and intersectional feminism in particular, teaches us to value others' lived experiences. It teaches us that our view is not the only view, nor is it necessarily the correct view. Part of our job is to understand others more deeply to create space for them.
Rule #2 says that it's not your job to figure out what the root cause or fundamental problem is with your employee. That's up to your employee (assuming there is a problem in the first place!).
Your job is to explain (clearly and kindly) the specific behavior or actions you would like to see change, and what exactly you want the final result to be. It's not up to you to figure out why this is happening (unless they ask you for help figuring that out!).
This is important because your employee is not broken! They are a smart cookie who has tens of years of experience dealing with themselves. It is the literal height of arrogance to assume you know them better than they do themselves, and pretty insulting overall. Value their lived experience, and work with them to develop plans to change the behaviour (not their personality).
Um, Holly...What If I Can't?
Yeah, I get it. Those two things feel hard to implement. Like, what do you mean consent? Didn't my employee consent to getting feedback just by working for me? Kind of yes, but also kind of no.
No employee can refuse feedback forever, but there are lots of situations where you can give your direct reports more autonomy about how and when they get feedback. Maybe they've just hit a major deadline and they're too emotionally spent this week to give feedback their full attention. Maybe they want to receive your feedback in writing, have a day to think about it, and then meet to discuss it. You can accommodate that!
Your employee doesn't also necessarily need feedback about everything. You may want to give them feedback to move their performance from 90% to 110% so they can move up the ladder quickly. They may be totally content just doing great work where they are, which is their choice.
You always need to make sure they have the feedback they need to meet the standard of their job, but you can still infuse consent into the how, the when, and (some of) the what.
If You Do Nothing Else, Do Those Two Things
Giving great feedback can be complex. Most people struggle a little when they're seen as less than 5-star amazing, and most managers worry at least a little about inadvertently creating lasting emotional devastation for their poor employees
And the truth is, it can be hard. In addition to the two things we talked about up above, all kinds of other elements go into making feedback truly helpful and actionable.
BUT, even if you get the rest of it wrong, it's important to get these two things right. The simple acts of valuing consent and avoiding diagnosing your employees can take your feedback from insulting and emotionally devastating to great (or heck, even just plain clumsily delivered!).
Try these tips in your next performance review cycle or one-on-one meeting. Tell me how it goes!
