Transcript- The Overcommitted Person's Guide to Saying No by Louise Lee

The Overcommitted Person’s Guide to Saying No – Transcript

by Sophie Odgers

(Edited for length and clarity)

Intro

I want to start by acknowledging every single one of you, because the fact that you showed up is telling me that a lot about your thirst for knowledge, for learning and growth, so thank you and I can't wait to share all of this good stuff with you.

My name is Louise Lee and I am a life and leadership coach, both professional and personal leadership. A couple of fun facts - mine are a little bit more obscure than Holly's. The first one is I performed a holiday concert in a prison. Some school friends and I were invited to play and sing Christmas carols one Christmas at one of Her Majesty's prisons in England, which is where I'm originally from, called Wormwood Scrubs. Isn't that just the perfect name? The audience absolutely loved it, and it was a very humbling and heartwarming experience for me as a 17-year-old, so I love that.

Another school related fact: I was also in the Royal Air Force Cadets at school and what that meant, as well as many fun things, was that I got to fly small planes at real Royal Air Force bases, and the planes , were dinky little, two-seaters called “Bulldogs” and “Chipmunks”, I kid you not. Now you know everything you need to know about the RAF.

How to Say No

Saying “no” is such an important factor, not just to success at work, but to our fulfillment and happiness in life, and I know this because I constantly said “yes” instead of “no” early in my life, which, if I'm to be honest, worked really well when I was younger and wanted to please people, but it became less and less sustainable as I accelerated through my career; in the end I ended up being burnt out in a job that I dreaded, I was in a relationship I wasn't happy to be in, and I was living a life that felt like it someone else's.

I felt like I was living a life that was someone else's, because I was living a life that was someone else's. That's what happens when you keep saying “yes” when you mean to say “no”. I understand what this is about, but what about you? Imagine a world where waking up each morning inspires you, and you're able to be and do your best every day. Imagine a world where you confidently and clearly say “no”. I hope that's what you want, otherwise you're in the wrong talk. What is one thing you are dreaming of saying “no” to, but you just haven't?

What you're going to get from this workshop are three key strategies and tools to take away and immediately use, and you're going to get a lot of insight about yourself, which is very exciting. For you to get the most out of this, hold onto that dream no that you have in your life right now and think of it as we go through this session, and it can almost be your example to work through as we go through it. But first, let's get clear on what saying “no” is, and isn't.

I just want to be very clear here, and I hate to break it to you, but saying “no” is not a way of controlling others, or trying to control others, because we can't. Saying “no” is not a way of trying to change others either, or a way of criticizing them. It's not a way to prove that you are right and they're wrong.

Saying “no” is not an excuse to not do something you know is important to you. Now what saying “no” is though, and what I really want to reinforce for you tonight is, saying “no” is a way of managing yourself and your own life. It's a way of managing your time, your energy, and your resources, and it's a way of setting and maintaining boundaries, one of my favourite words.

It's a way of honouring your integrity and what's important to you. That's all great, but how do we say “no”? Here's how you say no - you ready? “No.” Who says you can't have a bit of a laugh about topics like this? Okay, but seriously, you say ”no.” By saying “no”, you can give a reason, but you don't have to give a reason. You can it say lovingly, you can say it kindly, you can say ”no”, at work, at home, to your boss, to your partner, to your parents. You can do it.

I know that you are here tonight, not because of what I've just said, but because maybe you’re still concerned, or quite frankly terrified, of saying no. What I'm getting from this is that it's not that you don't know how to say no. The problem is all the meaning that you put on saying “no”. And when I say “you”, I really mean me; all of us together.

You Can Say No If You Want To

When someone asks us to do something, we tend to have three general answers. The first one is, “yes”. This might be your default right now, especially if, like me, you tend to want to please others over yourself, or maybe you're the kind of person who doesn't want to rock the boat? That was me, a lot.

It reminds me of one of my clients; she kept saying “yes” to her parents whenever they asked her to visit them, even though she didn't want to. She felt frustrated because she didn't want to spend every weekend with them, but then she also felt guilty about saying ”no” to them, so it's that kind of heady mix of frustration and guilt.

To make matters worse, this was straining her marriage, so through our coaching partnership, she realized that she needed to prove to her parents, that she was just as good, if not better than her siblings, and that was what was driving her behavior of constantly saying “yes” when she meant to say “no”. Once we sorted that out, she was able to clearly yet lovingly say ”no” to her parents. And guess what? Her parents were okay with it and my client is much happier, and so is her husband.

Another option that we tend to say when people ask us to do something is “no”. I just want to say, for what it's worth, there is a biological reason why sometimes we find it terrifying to say ”no” and go against the grain, and it's to do with our evolution. Back in our hunter gatherer days, in order to survive, we had to work with others. We wouldn't make it if we were on our own, which meant that we had to fit in, and that often meant going with consensus and pleasing others in order to survive. I'm saying that because I don't want you to think that saying ”no” is terrifying and there's something wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. Sometimes things are hardwired in us, but when we're aware of that, then we can make some changes.

Now, the other option that we can often say, apart from “yes” and “no”, is “maybe”, and, saying “maybe” is also a very quick response - it's a default response. Saying “maybe” is easy, right? There's no commitment, and it's great if you're confused or uncertain about the actual decision, because you don't have to make a decision when you say “maybe”, and you're not the only one.

A number of people that I work with feel the same way, and through our work together, we get to the root cause of what's underneath that hesitation or seeming inability to make a choice, which can be quite paralyzing; so that they no longer have that sense of stress or panic when you have to make a decision.

If we're truthful about “maybe” as an answer, “maybe” is basically just an excuse. If you keep saying “maybe”, let's be honest, it just gives you more work in the long run because you technically still have to make a decision.

If you say “maybe” a lot, there's no judgment. I invite you from now on in to start replacing “maybe” with either a “yes” or a “no”. And remember, you can always change your mind. So just to let you know, I have personally been through a marriage, separation, divorce, and I am now happily married again. I am here to tell you, based on that alone, that you can change your mind and it is not the end of the world. It is okay.

Let's talk a little bit of more about the saying “yes” bit; the thing that we tend to do when we don't want to. Part of why we tend to say “yes” is because there's this myth around saying
“yes”, and I'm here to bust that myth tonight. That myth around saying “yes” is that saying “yes” is less scary than it is to say “no”.

If you think in many situations where you've said “yes” instead of “no”, because it's felt less scary to say yes, it's a myth because saying “yes” to things you don't want to is poisonous. It is toxic, and you know that deep down, which is why it feels so gross. There's that sense of dissonance between what you are saying and how you feel.

Saying “yes” to things you don't want to say “yes” to destroys your dreams; it erodes your wellbeing and your very desire to live your life powerfully, joyfully, and fulfilling.

Exercise #1 – What Does Saying No Mean?

Let's take a little look at what is stopping you from saying “no”, and the questions I want you to answer are: for this dream “no”, what does saying ”no” mean? What does it mean? And then I want you to ask yourself, “what's terrifying about that?” And then I want you to go another level deeper and ask yourself again, “now what's terrifying about what I just said? What's terrifying about that?”

The deeper you go, the more insight you'll get into what's really going on for you, so I encourage you to go deeper. We're going to take it to the next level and do a writing exercise now; this is something that you're going to do on your own. I want you to write down your answer to the following question and we're still talking about your dream ”no” right now.

Exercise #2 – What About Saying No Means About You?

The question I want you to answer right now is: what is your deepest, darkest secret about what saying ”no” to this particular thing? What are you afraid of when it comes to saying ”no” to this particular thing in your life?

One of the things that I found is that one of the best ways to banish fears is to expose them. I remember that for a long time when I was in the workplace, there were a lot of additional projects coming my way, and there was one particular person who was a C-suite executive and he just kept giving me additional projects. At first I thought it was wonderful, but then it just kind of got too much. I felt as though that if I said “no”, I would be seen as ungrateful; I would be seen as somebody who didn't appreciate getting additional work; I would be seen as somebody who didn't want to advance in the company, or in my career.

This person had a lot of contacts in the city as well, and I was afraid I would not be seen as a team player. What really terrified me about that, was that I would be seen as not good enough, and it really hit something deep for me, which was my biggest gremlin. This might be yours too, “I'm not good enough”.

When I told someone about this and I said it all out loud, I was able to move past it. One of the things that my clients and I always notice, is that this exercise of dismantling your fear is almost always quite anti-climactic, and kind of embarrassing in a way, if you let it be. Because what I realized was that, “If your boss gets disappointed and then gets over their disappointment of you saying ‘no’. Your fear of getting fired is basically unfounded, right? If your boss does decide to fire you, and that was your biggest fear, that you're going to get fired and kicked out of the building because you are making healthy choices about something that's ultimately none of their business and not really a big deal, then they're probably not the kind of person you want to work with anyway.”

So that's why a lot of it is just dismantling; sharing it banishes those fears and puts them into light. Really, what this is all about, is our mindset. It all boils down to our thoughts, our beliefs, and our words. It's about what you are making the words “yes” and ”no” mean in your mind, and quite frankly, in your imagination.

Digging Into the Meaning of Yes & No - Awareness = Choice

By starting to dig deeper into the meaning you're creating about saying “yes” or “no”, you are increasing your own level of awareness, and awareness equals choice. What you have just discovered about yourself is important. When you pay attention to what's going on, around your thoughts, your beliefs, and your words, you can then choose whether they are something you want to hang onto, or whether there’s something you want to change, if it’s now getting in your way. It allows you to see what's in front of you from a completely different level of awareness, and awareness gives you that choice.

In fact, I would say the greatest freedom you have is choice. When you start to feel that familiar tension between saying “yes” but wanting to say “no”, I want you to pause for a moment and notice what is going on underneath. It could be pausing and thinking, "Oh no, there I go again. I want to say ‘yes’ right now because I'm scared of getting fired, but really, am I going to fired? What would that mean?" You know, all that kind of stuff. By pausing before you speak, you respond as opposed to react. That is what this is all about; it's shifting the way we deal with situations by responding instead of just reacting.

How to Manage Emotions When Having Difficult Conversations

I often get asked a lot about how to manage emotions, especially emotions that come up when we're having difficult conversations. One client I know used to get so worked up, her boss put in her performance review that she was too emotional and she had to sort it out. And so she came to me, we got to work on it, and since then, she's gone on to get a promotion and lead her team and her boss way more effectively.

Let's talk about composure, because being able to manage your emotions is absolutely key to being assertive and influential. I'm going to share with you this evening a distinction between emotions and feelings. For the purposes of this conversation, I want you to think of emotions as being instinctive; an event happens, so it could be an external situation or it could be our own minds and brains anticipating something, but something triggers and generates an emotional response. So that emotional response could be fear, it could be sadness, it could be relief, it could be love, it could be anger.

Emotional responses often happen without much of our conscious will, and most of the emotions that we feel are automatic and they're often physical. Now feelings, on the other hand, I want you to think of like this; feelings are how we choose to interpret our emotions. If you've ever calmed yourself down, maybe you've done that before in the past, because you were choosing a different feeling to feel other than the emotion that came up for you.

We often think that we're at the mercy of our emotions, but that is simply not true. You can choose to feel differently in any situation, even if those emotions come up instinctively. Let's say you're in a meeting and people start arguing with a very negative tone and you feel immediate emotions. Maybe they are emotions of fear, of anger, of sadness. You feel your blood pressure rising. Maybe you feel your heart beating faster. Maybe your palms are starting to get sweaty. You know that if you continue letting those emotions run their course, you're going to be on the slippery slide to feelings such as dread and anxiety.

Instead of allowing those emotions to go further, to, say, dread and anxiety, you can pause. You can notice what's going on and let it be. What I do is I take a moment, notice what's going on, let it be, take a few deep breaths, and then I choose. I choose how I want to feel, which allows me to respond instead of react.

In this situation, which was a real situation for me, I wanted to feel, instead of dread and anxiety, I wanted to feel alert, but I also wanted to feel calm; I kept breathing deeply; I made sure that I spoke in an even tone; I sat comfortably in my chair. I put both feet on the ground at that point so I felt grounded, and I thought positively about the people in the room, and I chose to be that calm force amidst the storm.

What I'm saying here is that all of these choices that I made, they generated a new feeling, which was completely different to what came up earlier on. If you do this over time, if you choose to create feelings you want from your emotions, your brain will habituate to the new feelings, which means those new feelings that you want to feel will naturally start coming up for you more and more often. They will become your instinctive emotions. Emotions come and go, but how you feel lasts, and you can control it. Isn't it powerful to know that you can master your feelings? If you're like, yes, this is awesome, just give me a thumbs up or give me a yes, give me a letter Y in the chat. So let's talk a little bit about how you explore your choice, because one of the keys to successfully saying ”no” is being really clear that ”no” is the right answer for you.

How Do I Explore Choice – 3 Useful Tools

I want to talk a little bit now about some useful tools for you to start using. You'll see three on the screen. and I'm just going to go through the three of them relatively quickly. First of all, let's just be clear about this, sometimes it may not be smart or safe for you to change how you behave around a reasonable fear. You need to have enough safety to warrant the risk. You need to assess the risk.

In this case, I would ask yourself, does this fear that I feel serve me? You know, that fear you identified earlier, does this fear serve me? Is this true? Do I know it's true? And if it's not true or if it doesn't serve me, am I prepared to set this fear down? Talking yourself through those questions can be very useful because what you are doing is exposing your fear, you are questioning your fear; you're asking if it's even true. And sometimes when you realize that it's just your imagination, it's not true, it may not even happen, then it completely changes the way you see things.

Now, on the flip side of that, there are times when having some fear can serve you. This is not a war against fear. I don't want you to think that I'm like “no fear”, like that nineties sunglasses brand. Anyway, this is about raising your level of awareness of what is driving that fear and seeing if it's helping you or not, because awareness gives you that choice. Here are a few tools that can help you in terms of assessing risk. Assuming that saying ”no” is a viable option for you in your dream ”no” situation, here are some tools that you can use.

Strategy for Choice #1 – Assess the Risks

The first one is the 10-10-10 test. This one is around asking yourself, "Will this still matter in 10 days, 10 weeks, 10 months, 10 years?" I love this one because it really allows me to zoom out and get perspective on it. It's like this isn't even going to matter in r 10 hours, let alone 10 years. The next one is around the best-case scenario and worst-case scenario.

This is where you will ask yourself, “If the best-case scenario happened, what would that mean for my life?” And then on the flip side of that, ask yourself, “If the worst-case scenario happened, would I be able to figure it out? Would I survive?

Another tool I invite you to use is what I call the four questions, and here are the four questions: if I have a yes/ no, black or white choice to make, if I'm really stuck, I love asking myself, “What will happen if you say yes? What will happen if you say no? What won't happen if you say yes? And what won't happen if you say no?”

With all that in mind, ask yourself, can I manage this risk of saying no? Is this risk acceptable? What do I want to do, do I want to say “yes” or “no”? And if ”no” is not the right answer for you as you are going through this right now, as you're thinking of your dream ”no” situation and you continue to say “yes” and don't judge yourself for it. It's okay. You can say” no” to other things and it might help to practice saying ”no” to smaller, less risky stuff. That's fine.

Another thing to bear in mind is that saying ”no” might mean loss. Some of you may have already identified this. It might mean pain, sorrow, grief, real emotions. Don't be afraid of those emotions. Remember, you don't have to be at the mercy of your emotions. You have the power of choice to create that new path for yourself instead of reacting to what's going on. And trust yourself; you know the right thing to do.

Strategy for Choice #2 – Opportunity Costs

When you say “yes” to lots of things, you are also saying ”no” to lots of things, and opportunity costs and sunk cost fallacy, both of them are very commonly used in business terms. What I'm teaching you here will be relevant in the workplace, as well and it will help level up your business understanding.

Opportunity cost is basically about the value of what you lose when you're choosing between A or B. In this case it's “yes” or “no”. It's a return on the option not chosen minus the return on the actual option chosen. And when I say return, it's not always about money. In the business sense, we tend to think about money, but for you, it may be about your time, it may be about your energy, your satisfaction, your sense of enjoyment and pleasure. It could even be about your integrity. One of my clients wanted to take her business to the next level, and in one of our sessions, I asked her what she wanted for her business in five years. After a moment, she said out loud what she wanted, and then she went really quiet after she proclaimed her dream because in that moment of declaring what she wanted, she realized that she was effectively saying ”no” to a whole bunch of other business ideas she had come up with over the years.

Although she was happy at declaring her dream and going forth in that direction, she was still grieving at saying ”no” for now, to all the other directions. When it comes to opportunity costs, I want you to ask yourself questions such as, ”If I put my time into this, what am I giving up time doing instead?” On the flip side of that, you can ask yourself, “What am I willing to give up in order to make this, the thing I want, a reality? What thoughts or limiting beliefs or assumptions or interpretations am I willing to let go of in order to have my time back or have my enjoyment back or my sanity back?” And ask yourself another one, “Will saying ‘yes’ gain you more than what you sacrifice? And another way of asking yourself that question is, is the return on saying ‘yes’ going to be more than the return on saying ‘no’?” Because your resources are precious, so use them wisely.

Strategy for Choice #3 – Sunk Cost Fallacy

One reason you might stop yourself from saying ”no” when you want to say “yes” is because of how much time, effort, and money you have already put into something. If you have ever let unworn clothing clutter your closet just because it was expensive, or if you've stayed in a relationship you didn't want to because of all the time you already put into it, you are familiar with the sunk cost fallacy. Economists all around the world have said time and time again that some costs are not relevant to future rational decision-making. We know this, but how many times have you fallen for this? I still do it; don't look in my closet right now and ask me whether I've worn everything. Why do we do it?

Maybe you don't want to feel loss. Maybe you don't want to appear wasteful. Maybe you don't want to appear ungrateful, which I know has come up a few times tonight. Whatever it is, again, when you become aware of what is driving your fear of saying “no”, you can look at it objectively and really start to question it. Because saying ”no” is not about feeling bad. After all, when it comes to sunk cost, there's nothing you can do to get back the money, the time, or the energy that's lost. And quite frankly, if you keep saying “yes” to something just because of the amount of time you've already spent, you are not doing yourself or anybody else any favors. So be quite honest with yourself about this. Saying ”no ”is about honouring your integrity and setting and enforcing your boundaries. It's about creating that possibility of you saying “yes” to something that's more important to you than this.

Speaking of boundaries, if you want some better-defined or stronger boundaries, you are not alone either. I see it all the time and I also see it in myself, too; this is a constant thing that we do in life. So to know whether you want to say “yes” or ”no” to something, you also need to know and take stock of what your needs are. For example, this could be that you want to get into a new habit. Your new habit that you want to get into is to be able to shut down your work laptop at 6:00 PM Monday to Friday and not touch it again until 9:00 AM the next workday. That could be your need. That could be a new habit you want to put in. Part of what will help you say ”no” a lot easier is getting really clear on what you want and what you need first. Then when you're clear on that need, on that habit you want, then you can get clear on what boundaries you need to put in place.

For this example, it could be communicating to your team your out-of-office hours, when you are available, when you're not available. and maybe delegating some tasks that are, if you're honest, better suited to someone else in your team, or even in a different department, or even just not do them at all. Another trick is to take a moment to figure out ahead of time where any difficult no's are going to show up in your life. You know what I mean? There could be some people who you intrinsically find it harder to say ”no” to or certain situations. So it could be, for example, if you're wanting to give up smoking, or it could be drinking. It could be that there are specific friends in your life where you anticipate saying ”no” to them will be harder because of that.

When you anticipate that and when you prepare for it, it allows you to come in prepared instead of getting caught off guard when this need to say ”no” shows up. So again, get really clear on which situations might be a bit sticky or icky for you and just prepare for that going in. It's kind of that intention implementation, I call it. You're implementing your intention of saying “no”. And remember in situations like this as well, if it’s unclear, it's often unhelpful to the person you're saying it to and not just to you, because people need to know what you're trying to say. As Brené Brown says, "Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind." A lot of the tools that I give my clients around this is using direct language that gets straight to the point.

Learn to Make the No About You, Not Them

Powerful ”no” phrases often begin with words like: “I need, I won't, I can't, I don't like, I don't like it when, I'm not going to, or I'd appreciate it if”. You can use any of those as the beginnings of your sentences to support you in saying “no”, particularly in those icky situations. Another helpful trick that I want to share with you tonight is to learn the language of “no”, because it doesn't just have to be “no”. It could be “No, not now”, but you may want to provide a date and time. “No, not now, but…” It could be a specific situation that needs to be met first. It could be “No, but” (and provide an alternative suggestion). All of those are viable “no's”, and there are many more that you will come up with depending on the situation you're facing. And the key to this is to practice, because as you practice this more and more, you learn to make the ”no” about you, not about them.

Instead of saying, “No, I don't want to talk to you tonight, Carol, because you talk way too long and I lose an hour and a half of my precious evening time", you can say, "Carol, I'm afraid I can't talk to you tonight because I have a really important deadline I want to meet, and then I want to take some time to myself before I get ready for work tomorrow". That's what I mean about making it all about you as opposed to about them.
Another hint around this is about keeping the emotion out of it and what I mean by this, is in terms of composure - emotions versus feelings. Also it's a reminder - don't try to second guess what the other person is thinking or worry that they'll get upset, because you are responsible for your end of the conversation, and if they get upset, that is their work, not yours.

Remember, it is none of your business, my friend, what other people think of you; it's their business, it's not your business. It's not about you. And if you get really stuck, you can give yourself other safety nets such as, “let me think about it”, or “I can't decide right now, I'll get back to you at a later date”, or it could be, “let me check my schedule and get back to you”. All of those are things you can say too; remember, you train people how to treat you. The only way you can change how people treat you is by speaking up.

On that note, one of the key aspects of this, is what you think of yourself. It's how you perceive yourself and your ability to say “no”. Start identifying yourself as someone who says ”no” easily. See yourself as someone who takes a stand, as someone who values your own needs. See yourself as someone who's more scared of living an inauthentic life than getting yelled at, because if you have to choose between letting yourself down or letting someone else down, please choose letting someone else down, please, please.

Okay. Good boundaries, remember, they're all about self-love. Be the kind of person who loves yourself, and it sounds really cheesy, but it's true, and you will find that saying ”no” will start to make you feel powerful, not guilty.

What Do You Actually Want and Desire in Your “Dream No”?

You know how earlier I said to you, we need to get really clear on what your needs are? Well, it helps to know what you want and desire, so we're going to take a few minutes now to do just that. Think back to your dream “no”, what it is you want in that specific area of your life? And when I say, “What do you want”, I want you to include the feelings you want. Often, I hear people say, "I want better work/life balance", or "I want a new job". What's important is not the object or the person itself, but what the object or person will allow you to experience.

For example, you may say, "I want to say ‘no’ so that I have a better marriage", but what you really want instead of a better marriage, is to experience and share peace and love and joy with another soul. What do you want in your area of your dream no? “To feel cared about, that my needs are respected. I want to help people; I want to see them grow; I don't want to manage them. I want to feel safe; I want to feel respected, I want to be seen when I say ‘no’, I want to be recognized as a good technical person. I want more control of my time. I don't want to feel pressure from my family. I want to say ”no” without having to explain and I want to enforce my boundaries. I want to be taken seriously.” Can you see now what saying ”no” can allow you to do? When you say “no”, it's not making you a worse human being. When you say “no”, amazing stuff happens. You get to step up, you get to grow, you get to fulfill why you are here. Not only that, you get to make other people's lives even better. When you are saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”, you are not doing yourself or other people any favours.

Okay, so you've gotten lots of tools and tricks and strategies and techniques. You've gotten deeper insight into what fears you have around saying ”no” and what you want instead, and now your next step to get there. One thing I would say at this point is to remember to water the flowers, not the weeds. I love that saying and what I mean by that is, water your dreams and your desires. What you identified earlier as your dream of what you want, that is your guiding light. It's like your north star. That will remind you what's important to you and what's not, which will in turn help you figure out whether your answer is a “hell yes!” or “hell no!”

A few years ago, a situation happened at work on a project that in my mind shouldn't have been handled the way it did. The results were unfair, the process was undue, and the implications potentially devastating for the people involved, including myself. And I realized that I could speak up about it or I could let it go. Like some of you may be thinking about a particular situation. You could let it go or you could speak up. If I spoke up, it would've been what my friends and I jokingly called a CLM, a career limiting move. Have you heard of that? But they were like, “No, don't do that, that's definitely a CLM, Louise”. I mean, I was looking at the possibility of getting fired or let go, and I'd never been fired before. I mean, really who wants to be fired? I even spoke to a colleague about it who was quite senior in the company, and he warned me at the time when I told him what my intention was of speaking up and he said, "It's a bold move, Louise. Be careful."

The thing was, what I got in that moment was that I could either hang onto my job and career as it was, as I built it, as I knew it, or I could hang onto my integrity and my sense of self-worth. But in that situation, I did not get both. They were incompatible, so I needed to pick. And if you're facing this in your life right now, maybe this story will help inspire you, because I decided that if I didn't speak up, I wouldn't be the person I wanted to be, and that to me shook me to my core.

Again, it's what I said earlier. It's that dissonance between what you know is right and what you're saying. When we feel that dissonance, it just feels gross to our very core. The cost of my silence and my integrity was just too high; that's what I realized. So, I picked my integrity and I spoke up. And to be honest, in that moment when I spoke up, I was so nervous, but there was a part of me - and if you've ever done that, you recognize this - there was a part of me which was like the equivalent of sitting ram rod, straight in my chair and I spoke up and I spoke clearly and I looked the person in the eye.

I didn't really know what was going to happen. I didn't know whether I was going to get fired, but what I did know was that by speaking up, I would walk away respecting myself. And when I really sat down to think about it, I knew that whatever happened, that worst case scenario, I would be able to figure it out. And it's the same for you; whatever happens in your life, you will figure it out, and I know this because you're here. You're here because given everything that's happened in your life, you have figured it out, enough so that you have the capacity, the energy, the self-love, the intelligence, and the resources to be here, in general, in life. That is no mean feat. Your sense of self, your integrity, your value, your worth, it is priceless, and it is your responsibility to honour it and to nurture it. The funny thing is when we do that, when we nurture our integrity and ourselves, lovingly, crazy magic stuff happens. Good things start coming into your life and good things start coming into other people's lives. Remember what you said your dream was, why you wanted to say ”no” in that dream? It's because chances are, not only does your life get better, but other people's life gets better as well, and that's because you and I, we are role models, whether we like it or not, whether we realize it or not. You never know who's watching you or listening to you. It could be your friends, it could be your coworkers, it could be your children. One inspiring step you take in saying ”no” could have an entire ripple effect that you are not even aware of.

Make sure you remember these three very important things, which are: there is enough, you have enough, and you are enough. Imagine a world where you wake up each morning feeling inspired and you're able to be and do your best every day. Imagine a world where you confidently and clearly say “no”. You are someone who says ”no” when they want to say “no”; you love to say “no”, you can say “no”, you do say “no”. “I am saying ‘no’, I excel at saying ‘no’, I'm grateful I say ‘no’ “.

Honour yourself, honour your dreams; what's important to you. Do not forsake them for other people's investments and dreams. There's one more question I'm going to leave with you that I want you to ask yourself when you're in those moments where you feel stuck, and that question is this: If I already had all the love in the world, how would I do this differently?