Transcript- Put Words In My Mouth by Louise Lee

Put Words In My Mouth – 4 Easy Steps…

by Sophie Odgers

(Edited for length and clarity)

Intro

WIMDI! Hello, it's lovely to see you. For those of you who have not met me before or don't know who I am, my name is Louise Lee, and I am a leadership and life coach based in Vancouver, BC.

I am here today on behalf of WIMDI and Holly to have a quick chat to you called Put Words in my Mouth. I'm going to put words in your mouth, ladies and gentlemen and also go through the topic today around setting expectations and boundaries.

I'm getting the impression that this is probably the kind of thing that we could all, most of us, me included, do with a refresher. And so today is all about enforcing expectations and boundaries.

The Difference Between Boundaries and Expectations (with Examples!)

Here's what we mean by this; boundaries are okay or not okay to do within our presence. Expectations are things that you expect other people to do or not do, and expectations might come with a timeline. They might come with specific performance criteria if we're thinking about work or thinking about home. So, for example, if you live with other people, you might be thinking right now, "Hells yeah, I'm sitting up working from home and our kitchen's a mess because my so and so left it that way." Oh, expectations! Whether we realize it or not, expectations and boundaries are part of our everyday communication.

Why We Should Turn Expectations Into Agreements

This is why we thought this would be the perfect first Put Words in my Mouth topic for this webinar series from WIMDI. This is also why I'm going to go straight in there, because time is of the essence today and to give you the main distinction for today; we are talking about turning expectations into agreements. I'll give you a very quick explanation as to why.

How do you feel when someone says to you, "Here's what I expect from you," or, "This is what I expect." It could be at work or at home. I don't know about you, but when I hear that, my gut instinct is to rebel, is to say, "No, I don't want to." Maybe some of you feel that way from certain people in your life. It could be a boss, or it could be someone from another department, from another discipline. Maybe one or two of you are having flashbacks to your childhood. I know I certainly do, where there were expectations for my family to be a certain way or do a certain thing.

Expectations often come a little bit loaded, especially when they are implied and not explicit, and especially when it's a one-way street, as in somebody's putting their expectations onto you. Nobody likes having expectations put upon them by someone else, and let's be honest, we were not put here on earth to live up to other people's expectations. That's why this distinction can be incredibly helpful about agreements.

What we're going to talk about today is how to set expectations, but even more powerful than that, is how to have conversations where we can come to an agreement. So instead of being a one-way monologue, it becomes a two-way dialogue.

Setting Expectations in the Workplace (with Examples!)

Here are some things that you may want to have this conversation about, and we're thinking primarily in the workplace. For example, it could be around punctuality. If you have regular meetings and there's somebody who's always late, maybe they're a senior stakeholder, and it grates you and frustrates you, you may want to have a conversation with them about it. It could also be to do with swearing, for example, or using certain language. Maybe somebody keeps mispronouncing your name or keeps using the wrong pronouns and it drives you absolutely bananas, or it could be somebody just constantly interrupts or talks over, maybe not talks over you, but maybe talks over somebody else in the meeting, and quite frankly, you're sick of it.

The reason why this all matters is because other people aren't the same as us. We all have different ways of looking at the world, and for some people, it's okay to interrupt. Maybe they grew up in a household where they were constantly talking over each other, and that was just how they communicated. We can't read each other's minds, so if we don't express what's okay for us or what our expectations are, then it is on us if they don't get met.

It is on you if you don't speak up and say something about this. Now, of course this doesn't apply if somebody else is being abusive, that's almost a whole other situation, but let's assume that there's a general level of respect and trust there.

When we want to give feedback or express a boundary or an expectation, we want to make sure we're heard, because if we're not heard or if we don't bring it up, then it actually might jeopardize the relationship. If any of you are thinking, "Yeah, there's a reason why I haven't spoken up so far because I'm worried about potentially jeopardizing the relationship."

Having a conversation about your expectations, your boundaries, and your needs will increase the probability that they'll actually get met and that you can have a two-way conversation with them about it. The reason this is so important, is because implied expectations are harmful to your relationship with the other person. Mainly because the other person doesn't even know they exist. They are in your head and your head only. All of a sudden, you're now feeling frustrated towards them, and they don't know why.

Secondly, they're not actually agreed upon. You may think, "Well, of course, people should expect to behave a certain way." "Of course, drivers, all drivers should stop at the stop sign," for example. But if it's not actually agreed upon out loud with the other human being, then it's not an agreement. Another thing is that if you have expectations of somebody else, chances are they will lead to disappointment and possibly resentment. Because if you don't communicate your expectations and have it agreed upon, then chances of your expectations being met are probably slim to none. Nobody wants to live a life that basically said, "Died with many expectations and a whole bucket of resentment and disappointment."

We don't want that to be you. This is another reason why it's great to practice sharing your expectations with others. Also, if you are managing anybody in the workplace, or even in your communities, or maybe at home, either formally or informally, this is foundational to every performance conversation; every general conversation that you'll have down the line in all areas of your life. It opens the possibility of much greater connection and a two-way dialogue instead of just a one-way monologue. You might just get what you want! And it might be easier than you think.

The 4-Step Conversation Structure

First of all, let's set the scene here; let's have it implied that you are inviting the other person to a conversation, and they have RSVPed yes, and you are now having a conversation with them. The first step -- and this is based on Marshall Rosenberg's Non-Violent Communication and Non-Violent Conversations -- is to express the facts, (your observations).

Step #2 – Impact (with Examples!)

The second part -- the impact. This could be, for example, what you actually observed and how you felt; what you may have thought, or maybe an assumption you might have made. Let's continue with this punctuality example: "So Barbara, I noticed that for our weekly team meetings, you often join after the call has started. When I notice that you are late, it makes me jump to a whole bunch of conclusions and think a couple of things, such as perhaps you don't think this meeting is a priority for you or you have another meeting, a competing one, that always runs long for you every Wednesday at 11:00. Or you're not sure whether this meeting is important, or why you need to come, or what you need to contribute." That is an example of step number two -- the impact of their actions on you; what it makes you think, perhaps what it makes you feel.

Step #3 – Request (with Examples!)

The third part of the conversation is the request. This is where you share what it is that you may be requesting from them. Chances are, if something is happening and you want it to change, you may well have a request – and this is a key thing to remember. Any complaint that you have, if left alone, if not resolved, will turn into a resentment. Some of you are probably thinking, "Yep, I, know." So, the idea here is to turn a complaint into a request, and then that request can turn into what we're building here, which is an agreement. Chances are, when it becomes an agreement, it will be met.

Never leave any complaints unresolved -- turn a complaint into request -- and then your request can become an agreement. Your request can be anything you want. For example, it could be, "Can we have a conversation to figure out how we can set this up differently?" Or, "Is there any way that I could ask you to attend the meeting on time?" Or, "What would we need to do to enable you to join us at the beginning of the meeting, because your presence is important?" Now, your request may not be a question, it might be a statement. It could be, for example, "I would love it if all participants could attend on time," or, "Barbara, I would love it if you could join us when the meeting starts." And that leads us straight to the fourth part, which is ending with a question.

Step #4 – Question (with Examples!)

The question could be, "What do you think about that?" It could be something super general like that or it could be as direct as, "Is this something that we can agree on?" "Is this something you're willing to do?"

If you want to have a more open question or if you want more of a conversation than a question, you could finish with, "What are your thoughts on this?" Or, "What do you think?" Or if you want something almost even more diplomatic, you could say, "What might be something we can agree on here that works for both of us?" Or even, "Can we have a conversation to figure out how we can set this up differently? What are your thoughts on this?"

Put Words In My Mouth – 4 Easy Steps…

transcript

Put Words In My Mouth - 4 Easy Steps For Setting Expectations