Transcript- What To Do When Your Employee Asks for a Raise

What To Do When Your Employee Asks for a…

by Angela McConnell

(Edited for length and clarity)

Intro

My name is Watchen Nyanue and I am so excited to be talking to you today about What To Do When Your Employee Asks for a Raise. As Holly mentioned, I know it can be very awkward. It can be awkward if you're prepared, it can be awkward if you feel unprepared, it can be awkward if it's high performing talent, it can be awkward if it's someone who is low performing talent. There is no situation for most of us in which talking about money is not awkward.

This topic is near and dear to my heart because I love negotiating, which I know is not the norm for most people. But I get a little secret thrill when I sit across from someone and have to talk about navigating, maybe, a tough money situation and getting to a result that, hopefully, is a win-win for everyone.

A little bit about me: I am a talent management specialist at I Choose the Ladder, which is a career development agency based in Chicago that works primarily with Fortune 100 companies to do employee development and retention work, focusing on the development and retention of Black female talent. Because the organizations that we work with are so large, we end up working with pretty much everyone. If this is of any comfort to you, everyone, regardless of how long they've been working or how long they've been in management, have issues and challenges with this specific topic. So don't feel like you're alone. Don't feel like, "Why don't I know this yet, if I've been working for a while?" It is something that is uncomfortable for everyone.

I know we do land acknowledgements here and Holly helped me with mine, because in the States, we don't really acknowledge history because we don't do a lot of things in the States, but long before European settlers came to the Chicago region, it was home to the Abujawi, the Odawa, the Potawatomi, the Miami and other Native American tribes here, but specifically in Chicago, which is where I am from.

I've worked for quite a few large organizations prior to starting my current company and the reason that I started it, really, was because there was a need. There are things that unfortunately some of our counterparts know a lot sooner than we do in the professional space and so I looked at this as an opportunity to close some of the soft-skills gaps that we have, as we try to navigate working for larger corporations.

How do you feel about negotiating with your staff? What is the first word that comes to mind when I say, "Hey, you're going to negotiate with your staff tomorrow." Stressed out, cornered, discomfort, uneasiness? Hopefully one of the outcomes that we will have from this conversation is that it's less uncomfortable because you will feel prepared and you’re thinking about it from a different perspective than where you currently sit. We'll make sure that you can move from discomfort, to slightly more comfortable by the time we're done with this conversation.

As I mentioned, prior to starting my company, I was a senior executive at the WNBA team here in Chicago. If you don't know much about the WNBA, they don't make a lot of money. Most teams are in the red, they're not profitable. Even the ones that are owned by their NBA counterparts don't make a lot of money and also have a really small staff.

Case Study – Meet Alex Who Wanted a Raise

The way that staff typically start out are as interns, because sports is a relationship-based business, and you work your way up through the organization. When I joined the organization five years ago, there was this kid who was a rockstar. I was more senior in terms of my experience in the work world, but Alex was more experienced in knowing the organization that we worked for because he had been there since he was an intern.

By the time I got there I think he'd been working in the department for four-ish years and had been the backbone of the department. If you needed anything done, Alex did it. He had the relationships, he had the drive, he pretty much was the perfect employee, if there is such a thing.

I remember the day that Alex came to me and asked me for a raise. I remember at that moment I thought, "Wait, what? Where is this coming from? I thought you were happy, you're getting paid more than everybody." I didn't say these things out loud, but in my mind I'm thinking, "You get paid more than anybody else on the team. You see the numbers so you know, we're not making a bunch of money. Why would you think that now would be the right time to ask me for a raise?" But I couldn't say those things out loud because Alex was my star student. I had just started, and I couldn't afford to have him leave the organization because I honestly did not have the skillset at the time to be able to recover quickly and do what I needed to do.

I was also kind of mad, "You've only been working for three years and you feel like you deserve to make how much?" But again, I didn't say this out loud, but this was stuff that was running through my head. "When I was your age, I was making $50,000 less than you're currently making, so what gives you the audacity to feel like you need more? Plus you still live with your mama, you're not paying rent.” But you can't say those things to your staff. But I knew his business and thought, "Boy, you do not pay rent. You barely drive, pay for your own gas. I feel like what you get paid is fine." But again, he, in that situation, was the person who had the experience and the knowledge that I needed to be successful. So, my emotional response plus the desire to retain talent were really conflicted at that time.

I want to talk to you a little bit about the tactics that I used to not only retain Alex, but to also try to start to develop him into a leader. When we get to the end of the talk, I will actually let you know what happened with Alex, but right now we're going to talk about the tactics.

Let’s Talk Tactics – Phases of Negotiation

There are different phases to a negotiation. I feel like the reason that negotiations are so stressful for managers and people-leaders is because we skip the first two phases, we go straight to the conversation. We’ve not done any of the prep work that would've given you the tools and the ability to actually have negotiation conversations that are productive for both you and for your employees.

Phase 1: Before The Ask

Before someone asks you for a raise or comes to you with a negotiation, you should be setting yourself up for success; there are very specific things that you should be doing and thinking about. I think Dana mentioned something like, “Well every day somebody's asking me for a raise”, which means you are always in one of these phases. The more well-versed you get with them that you can identify, "Oh, I'm in phase one with this person or I'm in phase three." It helps make the conversations a lot easier.

The first question to ask is, does your company have a process? Is there an established process for how and when people get raises? For a lot of us, it's in our employee handbook, we kind of know it, kind of don't. As a leader you may know it, but the second thing is - does your employee know what that process is? Has it been clearly communicated to them? Do they know that they're asking you outside of a raise cycle? Do they know that there is a raise cycle? Do you have the relationship that you will need in the process to create a "yes"? Where are your relationships as it pertains to the larger organization around what you can, and can't do?

As Dana said, "I can't say ‘there's no way that I can say yes’ because of all the strictness and all of this stuff." But within an organization there have been times where exceptions have been made. There are people who can do spot bonuses, so, being really honest with yourself - What's the process? Do I know it? Have I communicated this process to the members of my team? Do they understand it and know what can be done and what cannot be done? Then, being honest with yourself around what relationships you have where you are able to move the needle in whatever capacity.

There are companies, especially the larger companies that are very traditional in that “Our process is, you work X number of years before you get promoted. I don't care how great you are. You work 3 years before you go to the next level; you work 5 years; you work 7 years.”
I have a client where you could be at the same title for 10 years and make more money but that's not communicated to employees in their onboarding process. A person who comes from a company where you're getting promoted and getting more money every 2 years, it'll be a culture shock to them - to be at the same director level for 10 years - “What am I doing wrong? Why am I not being rewarded in the way that I'm accustomed to?”

Being well-versed in your promotion and raise process, and having clearly and consistently communicated what that process is to your staff, makes it a lot easier when you are talking about money. They'll know if you are doing it in a certain way because you actually can't give them what they want and therefore, it doesn't create this narrative that you're picking favourites; everybody's on the same page about the process.

What if there is no process? No process is kind of its own process. But what that does for your organization is it allows your employees to create their own narratives, which is absolutely detrimental to your culture. Because at the point where you say "no" to someone, but say yes to someone else, they are then left to interpret why that person got a “no” and why this person got a “yes”. And because of confidentiality with employment, you can't really tell them, specifically “Holly got promoted or got more money because of X, Y and Z and you're not doing this.” So, it allows them to create in their own minds why you made the decision if there is no process; it allows for there to be a little bit of bias in the decision-making process.
There's an article that Harvard Business School has, called Setting Up to Fail and one of the things that they talk about is the ways in which managers unconsciously set their employees up to fail:

Let's say in the beginning of having an employee, you decide this person is a rockstar. Most of what you see, because of confirmation bias, is going to be the good things that confirm that this person is a rockstar. And if, in the beginning you say, “This person is not a great employee, they're not up to standard or whatever the case may be.” What your mind is trained to look for again, are things that confirm that that person is not a great employee.

When those two individuals come and ask you for a raise, that bias can kick in if there is not a process in place. It clouds your decision making on who actually deserves that raise. So if you don't have an official process in your company, how can you create a process within your department that allows you to objectively decide what warrants someone getting more money versus what doesn't. Then you have a framework that then justifies your decisions and is fair across the board.

Establishing Criteria for Employees to Move to the Next Level

When we're talking about metrics and competencies - which is still in phase one, you are not having the conversation yet - what criteria do you have that signals to your employee that they are ready for the next thing?
When you're negotiating, you could be negotiating a bunch of things. You could be negotiating more vacation, a higher title, more money. But what are the behaviours that you expect to see out of your employees in order to say, "Yes, this person is ready for the next level." What are some hard metrics that you have?
I know for folks who manage teams who are not numbers driven, you're not managing a sales team, maybe you're managing an operations team. Are there metrics that you can use to help you decide when someone deserves what it is that they're asking for? Are there projects that carry more weight than others, that you need to let your teams know that you are using as a measure of establishing if they're ready for the next level?

Lastly, are there competencies that you need to see displayed in order to say, "Yes, I can pay this person $10,000 more." Because if that raise or if that additional salary gets questioned by my boss, or my boss's boss, I have this list of things that I've used to determine why I said "yes" to this person, why I said "no" to this person. If you don't know what these things are as a manager, it's your job to check in with your managers and maybe HR to see what is established and if there are frameworks that are in place.

You need to have these conversations both internally to get the information first, but also with your employees. This should be an ongoing conversation, not just when you're doing performance reviews, but people need to be clear on what the difference between what a manager and a director is. What makes somebody ready for the responsibilities of those roles so that they can hopefully be self-aware enough to know if they have hit those marks for you, or for themselves, or if they have not? All this, so that when they come to have the conversation, it's not an opinion-based thing, it's a-- "Here's what we use to measure. Everybody has known that this is what we're using to measure, and here's how you stack up, based on expectations around these measures."

Giving Feedback Employees can Use

The other thing to think about in phase one is your organization’s culture around feedback. When we talk to employees, and a lot of the time employees of colour, the number one complaint that we get about their managers is that they don't give them feedback that they can actually use. They only get feedback in a performance-review situation where—“You're saying "no" to me when I ask for money, now all of a sudden I hear that you don't think that my competencies are up to snuff.”
And now it's, "Oh, you are just saying that because you don't want to give me more money." But if you train yourself as a people manager to give feedback early and often, and give feedback that is specific; balance constructive feedback with positive feedback, but not the feedback sandwich where, “Say something nice, then say the thing that's the criticism and then say something nice.” What we've found is that employees find that disingenuous; they feel like you're just saying nice things to soften the blow. Especially if the nice things that you're saying aren't in real time, they aren't really nice things. I have to say something nice about this person, so I'm just going to say something.

If there are opportunities for them to improve, they expect you to tell them that in real time, not wait until months later and feel blindsided when they’ve been thinking that for six- months. They've been doing all the right things, come to you to ask for something in a negotiation, now all of a sudden there's a dumping of, "Well you haven't done this and you haven't done that." The feedback from them typically is, "Well, where was this six months ago? If you didn't think I did great on this project that we did in January, why am I just finding out about it in March?" Or in October when we're doing performance reviews.

You need to connect your feedback with the criteria for their next promotion or raise so that the feedback is not seen as a personal critique to them. They see it as something that's actually being given to them to help them accomplish the thing that they've said that they wanted to accomplish.

When they first talk to you about whatever it is that they were trying to do this year, you can talk about what they're doing well. Not fake praise, but if there are things that your employees are actually doing well that you want to see more of, you can say, "I think that you have managed the budget well. I think you've done a great job leveraging relations with our clients and our customers to help grow the business. I think that you've put processes in place that have helped make us more efficient." Those types of things. "But in order for me to be able to say "yes" to this next thing, here are the areas in which I still think you need development, which we can use to help move you to the next level".

When you say “no” to something or “not right now”, make sure that you are connecting the dots between the feedback that you're giving over the course of x amount of time and what they need to display, based on those metrics to help them move to the next level.

Phase 2: Preparing for the Ask

You've done all this work, your communication is on point, you're giving the feedback that needs to be given; you are talking to people on a regular basis; you’re not cancelling your one-on-one meetings because I think that's one of the first things to go -- "I'm so busy we can meet next week." Before you know it, it's been a month and you have not had a one-on-one. You are giving feedback as is needed. You are also giving affirmations and praise as is warranted. Now we're getting to the time of the year where people are going to start asking. So, what does an actual win look like?

Usually when employees think about negotiations, they only think about what a win looks like for them. When people-managers think about a negotiation, a win is what looks like a win for them, but in actuality (for the company and your department), the intersection of where your win is and where their win is, is actually the win for the company. It increases your likelihood of being able to retain the talent that you want, and in some cases get rid of the talent that you do not want to retain.

What Does a Win Look Like for You and Your Employee

Before the ask, you should be clear on what a win looks like for you, but also what a win looks like for the people on your team. They're coming to work because they're trying to get a paycheck; they're trying to get some kind of career progression and they feel like, at least in this moment in time, that your company and department are where that can happen.

Spend some time before you get into the conversations to think about, well here's what a win's going to look like for me and if you're a people manager, it could be to retain the talent without giving them any additional money. For your employee it may be to stay with this company but get more perks.

If money is not an option, are there other perks that your employee would think of as a win? That you would also think of in that way? You have to think about your negotiations; a successful negotiation is where everybody leaves feeling like they won. That is the objective.
I know it's not always possible, but that's what you should strive for in these conversations. Where I feel like I won, my employee also feels like they won.

What does a win for an employee look like? What do you expect them to ask for? Going into performance reviews—do you even know what they're going to ask for? The second part of that is: what is the ask under the ask? Sometimes people may ask for a higher title, but what they really want is more visibility.
They think that being at a director level is what's going to give them visibility. Are there other ways that you can give them visibility, without giving them the title, if that's not within your power? As you think about what people are asking for, know your employees well enough to know what the ask under the ask is, and if there are creative ways that you can address that need. That’ll get you squarely in the center of the mutual win. What alternatives do you have that could satisfy the underlying need?

For Alex, what he cared about—the money would've been great—but Alex wanted validation. He wanted the company to know that he was the rockstar that was keeping our department together, which was true and accurate. So, figuring out—well how can I do that? Giving him more money wasn’t an option, because at the time we didn't have the budget. I could barely afford to pay everyone what we were paying them already, because of how the numbers played out. What are some other creative ways that I could think about to satisfy this?

I had taken the time to get to know Alex as a person. One of the reasons that negotiations don't necessarily go as well as planned, is because people feel like they're just a number that you're checking off on an employee spreadsheet. Most people don't really know the people that they work with, and I don’t mean “let's be in each other's business and let's talk about all the wild and crazy things that we did over the weekend”. But, knowing what motivates your employees.

What demotivates them?
How do they want to be rewarded?
What ways do they show up?
How do they show up when they're doing their best work?

If you can't answer those things, negotiations are going to be hard for you.

If you do manage large teams, it’s a little bit harder, but I'm telling you—getting to know the people who work for and with you as people first, makes everything else in your work-life a lot easier. People give you more grace, they give you the benefit of the doubt more often; they assume positive intent because they know the type of person that you are. So even when you say "no", it's not personal for them because they know that if you could do it, you would. What you need to think about is the win for your employee.

What do you expect them to ask for?
What is the ask under the ask?
What alternatives do you have that could satisfy that underlying need?

How the Economic Climate Affects Negotiations

There was a time because of the labour market, where we had to give employees a lot of the things that they asked for because we didn't want them to leave. What's been happening with the looming recession, folks were thinking, "Well we can do what we want to." The pendulum has swung in the other direction and I am here to caution everyone against that, because the employee workforce is still feeling like they deserve to be compensated for all these other things. Even with the recession looming, especially the younger generation, they do not care. They will leave and they'll figure it out. They'll become an influencer, they'll do all the other things that people are doing right now to make a living.

You want to think about the micro factors that influence business decisions and employee decisions. If there are downturns that are coming and employees are re-evaluating, I think this is largely in part due to COVID, they are re-evaluating their priorities and loyalties. If they feel like you don't respect or appreciate their talents, or there’s a moving target for their success, they're completely fine with going somewhere else. Some of them are even fine with being unemployed. They are more than happy to say, "Listen, this place is bad for my mental health. They don't see me, they don't appreciate me, they don't whatever. I will walk out."

This isn't even for people who are underpaid, this is everyone. There are people who are walking away from high-paying jobs right now because of the different factors that they're considering when they think about who they are as a person and where they want to lend their talent. This is specifically and especially true for people who are in high demand, high-skill workers, people who have the experience, knowledge and specialized skillsets.

Think about what's going on in the world right now as you step into these negotiation conversations and be very intentional with the words that you use. I know during COVID when there were layoffs, there was the temptation for a lot of people-managers to make their employees feel like they should be grateful that they still have a job because so many people lost their jobs. The flip side of that, when you're looking at it from an employee perspective, they think, "Yeah, I know all those people lost their jobs. I've been doing their jobs, the jobs of three people and not being compensated for it." You want to make sure that you're not stepping on landmines that then make these conversations more contentious than they need to be, and be aware of the real-life things that people are dealing with.

I know for managers this is hard because you're dealing with those things in your own personal life too. You're thinking, "Listen, I would like to get paid more money. I would like all of these things”, but you have to be very, very intentional with the language that you use when you are going into these conversations.
What does a win for you look like? For me, I write things down. I have a negotiation prep sheet that I use. I try to think from my perspective, write it all out and then think from the employee's perspective, and write that all out. I try to find the zone of possible agreement before I go into the negotiation and if we don't end up having to go there and use that, that's fine but, I'm always prepared. "Okay, here's the best-case scenario, let's figure out a way how we could get there." I do that prep work before I talk to the person.

The first thing is: what do you really want? Do you really want this talent to stay, or do you not care? Not that you don't care about the person, but maybe they're not a high contributor, maybe they're disruptive to the team, maybe they're not moving in the same way that you need to, at the speed that the division needs as it pertains to innovation in the work. Maybe you don't want to retain them, maybe a win for you might be that employee resigning.

We have to be very clear on what that looks like. How much are they worth to retain? If you work in HR or as a people-manager, you manage a P&L, you know that recruiting new talent is expensive. By the time you do the interviewing, the recruiting, getting them up to speed and training, it can be expensive but for some talent it's worth it. So, for this specific person who's asking for this specific thing, how much are they worth retaining? Is an extra $5,000 going to make them happy? Because you know that's going to cost $25,000 to get somebody to step into their shoes, plus 3-4 months to get them up to speed. Are they worth it? Is it worth fighting for to get them what it is that they're asking for?

The last thing is, what can you actually provide? There are some places where your hands are tied. There are structures and systems in place that’ve been there for a while, and there's literally nothing that you can do. But again, in phase one that should have been communicated to your employees, you being very clear and honest, “what can I actually provide? I know they want this thing, but here are the 12 things that I can provide instead”.

One thing on the list might be what they're asking for, but then you might have other ideas that you can also bring to the table to help make the negotiation more of a conversation, rather than a dictatorship of, “This is what we're going to do”.

What we want in this phase is for you to be a thought-partner to your employee. You want the feeling to be that you are both on the same team, because you are. Retaining this talent helps you do the work that you need to do, which then allows you to go and ask for the things that you need to ask for in your negotiation.

Creating a Thought Partnership With Your Employee

Assuming that the person you’re negotiating with is somebody that you actually want to retain, you want to make sure that you aren't seen as the enemy in this; the person who is always standing in the way of “me” and what “I want”.

“Every time I come and talk to you it's always a "no", but you don't help me think through how I can get to a "yes".” You want to be seen as a thought-partner even if the answer for right now is "no" or “not right now”. Again, it's going to depend on how you approach the conversation. You want to be clear on what the path forward looks like, and you do that together.

They want this specific thing. You can't say yes right now, but here is a path forward that we could eventually get to a "yes".
Dana said earlier that “they're never going to get the raise that they're asking for”. That could be problematic for a lot of talent, to think, "For the rest of the time that you're working here, this is never going to happen."
As the manager you're in an interesting position, because if you tell them the truth, they may leave, but if you don't tell them the truth, that could cause more damage. So, you have to think through if the thing that they're asking for is never going to happen. What are the other options that you have so that they know, “Hey, this is off the table forever, but here are some other things. Would these things be equally as beneficial, valuable to you as you think through this work?”

You want to help them align their development needs with the needs of the company. One of the things that you'll hear people say which is not 100% factual is, “You want to be in a sales role in an organization, because if you're somebody who generates revenue, they're not going to fire you.” Not true, but it's true more often than, let's say if you're in PR or marketing.

How can you strategically help them figure out how to align their objectives with the company objectives so that they're seeing the bigger picture? So they don’t feel like they're just a person who checks the box and nobody actually cares about them. If they can understand why you're putting them in this role, and how you see them as part of the bigger picture, it helps make the conversation a lot more productive.

Check Your Negotiation Beliefs

One of the things that I want you to do before you get into this conversation is to check your own beliefs on negotiations in general. If you are someone who struggles with negotiations, and when you negotiate for yourself, it's anxiety-inducing, you want to make sure that you're not projecting that onto somebody else.

In terms of generations that make up the workplace, there are currently five. So for the people who are the most senior, their experience coming through corporate is probably a lot different than the Gen Z folks who think, "I need to be CEO in the next 36 months or I'm out.” It's a very different mindset and as you think it through –just because something happened when you were coming through the ranks, does not mean that's how it needs to happen now. You need to check yourself in terms of what you have come to believe because of your own corporate experience and how much of that you are projecting onto your team.

For me with Alex, I thought, "When I was your age I was..." But you're not Alex. he’s a completely different person and has a completely different corporate experience, so don't project your own stuff onto that person.

The second thing that we also have to acknowledge is gender differences. There are certain genders, (men), who are more comfortable negotiating than women. Because of how we've been socialized, you need to keep that in mind, especially when it comes to power dynamics.

If you are a male boss negotiating with a female team member, or person who identifies as female, the power dynamics there are really strange. You have to make sure that you are not abusing, or unconsciously (or consciously) using that as a way to get that person to not ask for what they want. In the same way with women understanding how we've been socialized to think about asking for what we've earned and deserve, we have to practice, practice, practice before sitting across from somebody, so that our socialization does not allow us to accept less than we know that we've earned. Keep in mind how gender plays a role in negotiations.

The second thing is culture. I am African. We don't negotiate. The person in charge tells you what to do and you do it. That's it, there are no conversations. Going into corporate, even when I thought I was being treated unfairly, or things were being done unfairly, I didn't feel like I had a voice or the right to say anything because that person was the boss. They'd worked longer, or they…whatever.

If there are people on your team who maybe come from cultures that are more meek in how they present themselves, or expect their hard work to be enough for you to recognize them, we know that's not how it works in corporate or in large organizations. There may be times where somebody deserves something but they don't feel like they have the voice to ask for it.

You may need to encourage them to step forward more boldly into that. You cannot for a minute underestimate the role that culture plays, especially if you are someone of colour and your boss is a white man. Completely different power dynamics and how they think about it. So recognize your own status within the relationship and be aware of it as you communicate. Your intention with your language will make conversations and relationships afterwards better.

Another thing to think about is immigration status. For some folks, they can use this as a way to have leverage over employees. "Well we know that they need this immigration, this green card, this whatever to work here. We're going to take advantage of them for lack of a better thing, because they can't quit." There may be people who are hanging on, and not saying anything who are significantly underpaid or doing more work than they should be because they know that they need the job. That's going to factor into how they show up in negotiations and you need to be aware of that.

The last thing is seniority, if you've been working somewhere longer, compared to somebody who's first generation working in the professional setting, their attitudes or expectations in the way that they approach a negotiation may not be what we deem appropriate, but they've never done it before.

They don't understand what's expected of them. You have to understand, as someone who's more senior and negotiates all the time, if somebody is coming and asking you for a raise once a week, the types of language that may be used; the attitudes and perceptions that you may get because of that.
It's not about you, it's about whatever they're dealing with internally that gives them the courage to have this conversation. Be aware of how that may trigger something in you internally, because of how you relate in any of these areas of belief. Your generational differences, gender, culture, immigration and seniority.

This is, again, before the ask, but it is the last part of it. Be very clear on what your blind spots are. Which is hard, because self-awareness isn't necessarily the easiest thing. Where are you? How do you pulse-check and make sure that your beliefs are not projected onto the person who's negotiating with you?

Phase 3: The Ask

Next up, the ask.

It's Friday, you're getting ready to go on holiday, Watchen shows up in your office and says, "Hey Dana, can we talk for a second?" And you're thinking, "Oh god, what...girl, I'm trying to go on vacation, I don't need this in my life right now." So you respond, "Uh...sure?"
My initial reaction when someone asks, "Can we talk for a second?", and I'm pretty sure it's everybody else's too, is we freak out. “What do you want?” The worst-case scenario always pops up.

That is not the appropriate response, because people can sense your awkwardness. If they feel like you have defensive posture, or your energy all of a sudden changes, that makes them ready for war too. So, if somebody comes and asks to have a conversation, or you get that dreaded calendar invite, "Can I put 30 minutes on your calendar." You're likely thinking, "Girl, we just met last week, what do you need to talk about now" Just don't freak out. If you know what the conversation is about, prepare your employee ahead of time as I talked about in phase one. If you have not had those conversations and I come to you on a Friday and say, "Hey, I want to have a conversation about a raise." If you, as the boss, don't feel ready, there are ways that you can prepare, not stall, but make the conversation more beneficial.

You can say, "Hey, I know you want to have a conversation about a raise, here are some areas that I want you to prepare so that we can make sure that the conversation is beneficial." Then, you have them do some work around where they stack up, or where they feel like they are so that you're not doing the work in the negotiation, but they've had some time to reflect on whether they've met all the requirements.

They can then come back and put some time on the calendar so that you are also prepared for the conversation. Don't feel like you have to have it right when your employee wants to, especially if they are not prepared for that conversation. This wouldn’t necessarily be a great use of your time, but you also don't want to create the perception that you're not prioritizing it. Make sure that when you tell them what they need to prepare, you do have some time on your calendar that you can then circle back to have the conversation.

The second thing is that you want to let go of your ego. Again, it's the, "When I was this, when I was that, I don't think you deserve this. I already think you're making too much money." It doesn't matter if you think they're making too much money or not. Have they earned the right to make more money? Have they earned the right to have a different title? I don't care if it took you 10 years to become director, if someone has earned the right in 7, you shouldn't hold them back because it took you 10.

I always say ego is one hell of a drug. Our egos fuel us to do all types of things, so you want to make sure that the conversation is not being driven by your ego. But by data and what’s possible in the best interests of you, your employee, and the company. That’s how you get to that intersection of possible agreement.

Ego typically does not get you there. Ego ends up damaging relationships, losing high performing talent, then having you spend a ton of money training and retraining people as they come into your org.

You also want to have empathy, you realize people are going through a lot and y'all are people too, so you know that we're all going through a lot. You have to understand that as people come to you and ask for things, and put themselves in really vulnerable positions, it’s hard for them.

I remember talking to an executive at a company that re-orgs all the time and this person had been there 26 years. In the most recent re-org, one of her employees came and was talking about her anxieties. The response was, "Oh, this happens all the time. You'll get over it."

That is a missed opportunity for connection, because if you've been there for 26 years, you've gone through a series of re-orgs. Can you share a bit of your experience that helps that person feel like you see them? That you know and understand them, and that you're in this together?

It's the same as when you are in leadership, you've negotiated a bunch of times. You’ve not always gotten what you wanted in those situations. Are there ways to be empathetic and connect with your team, so they understand that it's a part of the experience of working in large corporations, climbing up whatever ladder of success you have professionally? You don't want to just say the corporate line that was given to you—the PR answer—and move on. These are real humans that you are talking to, with real implications in their lives if they don't make more money. You want to make sure that there's an empathetic connection between you and that person.

I think the most important thing that you can do when the “ask” happens is not to be weird. People start to fidget, we start to do all kinds of weird stuff. You’re thinking “Why are you doing this?” It just makes everybody more uncomfortable. If you’re not someone who feels comfortable negotiating, it's okay to tell your employees, "This is actually really uncomfortable for me". You can be human and share those things, but if you are weird, it just makes the whole situation so much more painful.

The energy that you bring into a space makes a difference in how the conversation flows. If you're having a bad day, maybe you yourself asked for a raise and your boss told you "no", you should probably reschedule the meeting with your employee. If you're going to go in there with the attitude, "I'm not giving anybody anything today. Don't ask me for anything, don't say anything", because you just got a response that was not in the zone of possible agreement yourself, make sure that you are aware of that.

If you know that you're not a strong negotiator, it's also in your best interest to practice so that you don't stonewall people and are not just ”no”, without an explanation. You will come across as cold and uncaring because again, you still have to work with this person after this conversation.

You also may want to pick a neutral place. If I feel like every time I come into your office, it's because you’re about to tell me something negative, I'm not going to feel good about going in there. So if you know that's the case, maybe pick somewhere that's a little less threatening and more neutral so that everybody's at ease when you have the conversation.

The Conversation Template & How to Respond to Your Employee's Ask

Three steps to responding to an ask. First you answer: can you do it, is it a “yes”? Is it a “no”? Is it a “not right now?” Then you want to give the reason. You want to make sure that the reason is tied to skills, not the person. Unless the person is preventing them from accomplishing whatever competency or skill it is.

For example, if somebody is asking for a higher title and the answer is "no". Why is it a "no"?

"Oh, because I don't think you have an executive presence."

But what does that mean? If it's a “No, because you haven't managed projects of this level.” You need to do that to demonstrate that they need to be able to do this at a director level, or there's a level of analytical thinking that is required in order to be put into a director position. ”You're less tactical at this point and I need to see more strategic thinking from you in this role.” Give very specific work, competency, skills-based reasons why something is a "no", because it makes it a lot easier for someone to swallow and gives them something tangible to work towards.

You want to make sure that you're not saying things that are detrimental to the person. If somebody says they've been “Working a bunch of hours”, and you say, "Well, yeah, join the club, we're all tired." Well, that's not helpful. Or you say, "You're lucky to have a job." Again, not helpful, not useful, because it doesn't give them anything that they can develop to become better at the thing that they're doing.

Also, things like, “We expect loyalty.” They're thinking, "Well, great, I expect more money." Now nobody is winning because the things that you say have to be intentional to have them continue to be productive, so your answer needs to be clear and direct.

There's nothing worse than having a conversation and leaving feeling like, "But what's next? What did we talk about? What was the answer? Why didn't I?" The confusion is what muddles the relationship.

Then, you want to plan. If the answer is "no", what is the plan getting them to a "yes"? If the answer is "yes", what happens next? What can they expect from you? If the answer is “not right now”, what is being done in the interim, so when the opportunity for a "yes" arises, that person is prepared?

Case Studies & Language You can Use (with Examples!)

Example #1 - Binh

I know that language is really hard for folks sometimes, so let's meet a director who wants a promotion. Her pronouns are she/her, and she works in a workplace that's evolving. She wants a promotion, but she's not ready. She's saying that she wants to be promoted to director, but she's currently a senior manager. She comes to me and says, "Hey, Watchen, I would like to be promoted to director."

For me the answer is "no", because she has not displayed that she is ready to be promoted to director.

So I would say, "Hey Binh, glad to have this conversation with you as we think about what your next steps are professionally, in terms of development. In order to be promoted to director within this company, here are the skills that you have had to display consistently. Here are the expectations around how you show up in the workplace; how you build relationships and how you generate revenue", whatever the case may be in her specific situation. "And so, in order for me to be able to promote you in the next cycle, here are the top three things that I need to see consistently from you in the next 12 months."
I will lay them out and say, "So for example, strategic thinking. What this could look like for you is in meetings, as we bring projects together—as opposed to telling me the tactics that we can use, I expect you to bring forward to the team a bigger strategy that we can all consider as we move forward in the work.”

You want to be very specific in telling them why it's a "no", what skills they need to show consistently, and the ways that they could potentially do that and show up in the workplace.

Example #2 - Luciana

Luciana also wants a promotion to director and the answer is “yes”. She's been doing fantastic work. She's ready to go, she's checked all the boxes. Although it’s a “yes”, you can't do it right now because you're not in the budget cycle, so in this conversation I would say:

"You have been doing excellent work in these specific competencies. Unfortunately, right now because budgets are frozen, I'm not able to give you what it is you need. However, don’t let that discourage you. Here are the things that you need to keep doing, so that when the budgets are open, I can advocate for you to get this money. Don't get discouraged and stop doing these specific things because this is what proves that you're ready for director. Make sure that you keep this up, that it's highly visible, that the people who need to know about it, know about it. Then when the budgets free up, I will advocate for you. My anticipation is that the budget should free up in the next quarter, but I will circle back with you if that changes."

They're very clear, they don't have to keep asking you, because they know it's next quarter. Now you know that you, as the boss, have taken the onus to circle back with that person and they're going to trust your word because you're actually going to follow up with them.

Example #3 - Steph

Steph wants a 20k raise. Steph is not getting the 20k raise because again, we have very specific ways in which people get paid and the budgets are frozen. But Steph is a rockstar, so what do you do in this case? Well, for me, budgets are frozen and when they open back up, I'm still not going to be able to give Steph 20K. I know I'm only going to be able to give her 18K or 15K or whatever.

I would have the conversation to say, "Hey Steph, I know that you've been working really hard. You're at a higher level than you were before, I gave you these growth areas and you have exceeded all of them. Unfortunately, we cannot give a 20K raise, it would not be approved for these specific reasons: The budgets are frozen, and we have a certain percentages that we give each person for a raise. 20K unfortunately exceeds that raise so I will not be able to get this approved, but I do feel that you have earned more money. Here's what I can advocate for that I know will get approved once the budgets are open."

You tell them their raise is unrealistic because it is based on what you can actually do and then you circle them back.

Example #4 - Jeff

Jeff wants to be manager, but Jeff is just not ready. He’s not going to be a manager in the next five years because he’s got growing he needs to do. I might say to Jeff:

"Here's what I look for in managers and, as your manager, I want to make sure that I'm setting you up for success. That I'm not putting you in a role where you don't get to shine as brightly because you weren’t set up to do so. What I want for you, because I do see your potential, is that when we put you in this role, you actually have what you need to take it to the next level and people can see your work.

Here's what I propose: that we make a development plan that helps you build out the specific skills that will allow you to shine when you do have the opportunity to become manager. In the next 12 months, here's the plan that we're going to work with. Are there any things that you think I'm forgetting or skills that you think you already have that I may be overlooking that could also help make you a better package?

So, you're not ready yet. Here's what ready looks like, and it's ultimately tied to me making sure that you are set up for success in this role. Because if I put you in a role and you're not ready, you're going to get fired. We don't want that because I think you're actually a rockstar.”

After they ask and you've had this conversation, you want to make sure that you are charting a successful path forward. You want to empower the employee—give them a roadmap—but then tell them the things that they can do, so they go out and do it. You want to commit to their development even if it's no longer with you.

There are some people who are hired for jobs that they should no longer be doing, where their skillsets don't necessarily align. Therefore, you want to commit to help them develop even if it means moving them somewhere else, because for me a win is keeping people in the company.

If you have high-performing talent, even if they don't work with your department, it's a win for the company to keep them. You want to help your employees because ultimately it helps you become a better manager that people want to work for, which is really important.

So back to Alex. When I left, I knew that I was leaving two years before I left. So I started to groom Alex.

In the beginning of our conversation I told him, "Alex, I can't give you what you want right now, but I do see you as a leader. Here are the things that I'm willing to commit to in order to help you prepare, so that when I leave you can take over my job."

We worked out a plan: here's the process, here are the skill gaps that you currently have that I can help you develop. We will spend money on conferences, classes and courses while we make sure that you get higher profile assignments so that people can see you and start to think about you in this way. Then, I’ll talk to our CEO about how we can make sure not to lose Alex. How do we make sure that Alex knows that he's valued here, even though we can't pay him a competitive salary?

When I left two years later Alex took over my job. He is doing such a phenomenal job, I think they'll probably be the sponsorship team-of-the-year in the league. It's because when he asked me, even though I was taken aback and a little annoyed, I realized that Alex was a rockstar, and we put together a plan that then helped him to be able to take over and run things.

He's been running my department for almost a year-and-a-half, and he's been doing a fantastic job, but it's because we were in thought-partnership. Even though he got a “no” in the beginning, he did get other things like a higher profile, more visibility and then when the opportunity presented itself, he was able to take over my role.

Key Takeaways

Get clear on the process.
Ensure that there's clarity around metrics and competencies.
Provide ongoing feedback.
Be on the same team as your employees.

In terms of preparing for a winning conversation, you want to focus on a true win. Again, that's the intersection of a win for you, and a win for your employee. You want to dig deeper past the surface level ask, because sometimes you may not be able to grant the surface level ask. But the ask under-the-ask may be possible.
Be clear on what you can actually deliver. Don't make false promises, that's the quickest way to ruin trust in your organization.

You want to also make sure that you are checking your beliefs about what negotiations should be, or how they should go, or what is worth negotiating.

During the conversation, you want to let go of your ego, have empathy, don't be weird, be a human.

Give them some specific and transparent reasons, whatever the outcome. If it's a "yes", they still need to know why you said yes. Don't make it personal, and don't take it personally. They may not give you the response that you want, even though you are doing everything that you can to give them what you are able to, it's not personal, it's their own stuff.

Don't make it about you because it's not, it's more about what they need. Make a plan and set expectations about what and who you can influence. Then after the conversation you want to work as a leader to empower your employees. Is there a development budget? Is there stuff that you can do to make them feel like they're important, that they matter. You want to help them develop even if it means working somewhere else, within the company, because retention of good talent is just good business in general.

You want to remember to support them when they get a "yes", also, because what you don't want is for people to come back and stop doing the things that made them look like a rockstar in the first place. And that's, that.